| oh shit. i can feel it. the pounds creeping onto my body and latching on like sloppy leeches. i can't handle this anymore! i am disgusted with my body. all of it! if i have to look at my keg or ham legs one more time i'll just start cutting them off! maybe because i'm obviously so fucking hungry all the time, i'll just bite the curtains of fat that are wrapped around my arms off. oh no wait. how many calories would THAT be? every second that i'm alive i'm getting fatter and fatter. it's really sick. and if you stop eating and then eat one little thing you balloon up! what am i going to do with this vomit inducing body, when i can't vomit to fix it? i don't have the balls to stick with an eating disorder, just the mental capacity to start one, fail, and get larger and larger and sluggish and sick. and the girls in my house can't help. they don't want to deal with this. neither do I !!! do you even understand how happy i would be if i could just LIKE myself?!?! too bad the chances of that are slim to none. and i know this is just a response to my life spinning out of control, and i know it's just because i'm not listening to god's truth and shit. i think my ears would be open alot more if god could make me drop 20 pounds. i'm just feeling young and annoying. who wants to deal with that? i might as well stop looking like a cow so i have one thing going for me. |
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| Fazi needed a cigarrette. She smoked her last one yesterday outside the Tavern. The sun is lovely in the winter but cuts through her skull today. She keeps telling herself she's not addicted, but she is. Fuck. This sucks. Wait, there are cigarrette butts on the porch. It's a sad sad day. Fazi smoke every last butt till she was only breathing filters and freezing air. That damn headache didn't go away. |
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| feeling depressed.
i suck at doing everything that i need to do. i miss so many people. GOD. stop sucking, kara. |
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| AISLINN!!!!! i miss you so much!!!!! ok. i'll call you tommorrow because xanga can't really... wait. never mind. that sentence sucked.
i love you, girly. |
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| so...
this guy chris that i was closing with tonight told me that when he was 15 he found a dead hobo in the bathroom of Giant Eagle.
GAH! |
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